WCOM -- Withold Comments, Only Monitor

There is always a last post in this thread.

and there always has been

http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=2834527&pagenumber=1&perpage=40#post343451194

What's your worst experience with role-playing?

Jessi, the apocolyptic treewhore and fledgling succubus
About four years ago I moved across country and moved in with an old friend of mine who needed a roommate here in Virginia. I liked it so I stuck around. My roommate, who I'll call Joe because I don't want him to get angry for using his real name, had an INTERNET GIRLFRIEND whom I'll call Jessi because that's her fuckin' name, the fuckin' psycho bitchwhore.

Anyway, after I lived with Joe about a year, Jessi came down and visited us. Whoa boy she was completely unlike anything I'd ever pictured for Joe. But hey! She liked D&D and sat in a few session with my RL group. She played a normal, interesting character. Her first, and only, normal character.

A while later, he went and visited her. And a while after that she moved from Wisconsinland, home of cheeseballs and moo-cows, and moved in with us.

She promptly joined in the game I was DMing. She wanted to play an Entwife, because this was when LotR was big in theaters and people were like OMG FIVE HOUR EXTENDED DVD EDITION WOWZA! For you heathens who don't know Tolkein, Entwives are like Ents, but female, and Ents are like gigantic big fucking talking intelligent trees.

I honestly didn't care, and there was a Savage Species entry for Treant, the D&D version of an Ent.

By this time, most of us knew Jessi was a complete and utter whore, except Joe, who doesn't play D&D and doesn't really count because of that. So here we are, playing some nerdy game focused on getting the PCs stuck in a war between heaven and hell, letting them choose their sides as spells fly by and NPCs lie, cheat, and beg for money. She's also cheating on Joe with another member of the group, but I didn't know till later.

So, of course, what's an entwife to do?

"I want to get pollinated," intones Jessi with a perfectly straight face. "It's springtime, high mating season for us ents."

I just stare at her. "Uh, pollinated? Sure...there's some bees in the field. You get pollinated while you're walking towards Haven." The others look grateful and go back to stacking dice and eating cheetos.

"What, just like that? You're not going to DESCRIBE it? What kind of DM are you? And who said we're going to Haven? You're railroading me!" She begins ranting and raving about how I'm a terrible DM. True or not, you don't just say it like that. It's not polite. And no one wants to pollinate a rude treant.

Now everyone is giving me a look. You know, the LOOK. The one where everyone is thinking "What the christ is going on and why aren't you stopping this?"

"Jessi, calm down. You're going to haven because, uh, everyone just spent the last half hour and decided that was the best place to go, since your hometown got burned down. And no, I'm not going to describe pollination in detail. I'm not a fucking entomoligist."

Jessi quiets down, and the game continues. Several sessions later, the incident forgotten, the group is walking cross country. Everything is going well. The sky is blue, the orcs are dead, and the tree is humping a sunflower.

Wait a minute.

"Jessi did you just say you're going to go hump a sunflower?"

"Yes. I still want to get pollinated."

"Oh for christ sakes we already went over this! Besides, there's no bees here."

"There's always bees where there are flowers."

And so begins an arguement that derails the game for about an hour. Eventually, I snap. "You want bees? You want fucking bees? Here ya go! Roll initiatve!"

And this would end the tail of Jessi the treewhore, since a quintet of collosal monsterous bees attacked and destroyed the treant.

A few days later, Joe finially figures out that she's been cheating on him for quite some time, and kicks her out. We all cheer, even the guy in the group she'd been banging in her spare time, and throw a party.

A few days after that, she shows up to the D&D game with a character sheet. She's playing a succubus this time, right? Wrong!

Ten minutes, two phone calls, and a trio of cops later, our fledgling succubus is being escorted off the property, never to return. I still see her occasionally, since she's been unable to convince anyone else on the internet that she's worth moving cross country, and I always think of her treewhore when I do.

 

http://teapartyjesus.tumblr.com/






edit: Adam, I will allow it.

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

^wut

I found out Blade Runner was on TV, but by the time I changed the channel it was over.  For this injustice I think I deserve to win for a bit.

I'll let you win for now, and you can borrow my dvd

There is no 14th month.

lost is an awesome show if you skip the first 2 seasons. Why did you not like the finale?

easy guys, last is all i'm concerned with right now

competitions been hot lately. but ya'll niggaz know that i'm the real winner round here.

The Cheshire Cat said:

lost is an awesome show if you skip the first 2 seasons. Why did you not like the finale?

Any show where you have to skip the first two seasons is shit.

I will be up and waiting for my flight until 6am.

in

So it turns out I'll be getting a tax refund, lol.

Me too.

same.

Who taxes the taxmen?

good question.

I've been trying to get my e-ticket to work on my goddam ipod for 2 goddam hours.

looks like you're on the plane now!

Considering I made a laughable amount in my part-time job, I find it hilarious.

Who faxes the faxmen?

the taxmen tax the taxmen. same for the faxmen.

shoshone said:

Considering I made a laughable amount in my part-time job, I find it hilarious.

If you haven't worked much in the financial year, you are likely to get a good tax return because the time you did work would have been over-taxed.  If you earn less money you get taxed less.

i dread doing my taxes. it's been on every to-do list i've made this year.

also I tripled my 2010 income in 2011. and I've tripled my 2011 income going into 2012.

Teaching japanese people to speak english---Strawberry Farmer---Oil Baron type person---???

Bryce said:

also I tripled my 2010 income in 2011. and I've tripled my 2011 income going into 2012.

bryce is cubert

if you go that far back, I... uh... multiplied my income by .12, then by 3, and 3.

last

what's that sound?

oh it's bryce's money falling from the sky.

It's scary to look at this website when in public airports or libraries.

we should really just make this a private forum

for me. because i'm the winner.

i could get down with that

right here

seen

sup, losers

heyyyy now now now

post in this thread if you have tiny weiner

That's not how you play the game Caz

EDIT: plus I think Lemon, FAT and you have already posted in this thread.

Post in this thread if you like penis.

what if i dont like penis and i still post in this thread?

and what if i like penis? 

Nothing wrong with that. I love penis. My own.

Over 9000 penises

lemon and fat are way too practical to play this game.

this thread is officially NO CHIX

Or until cat posts here.